


Fear Brings Out the Best

by AVirtoMusae



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crushing, First Kiss, Grudges, Highgarden, M/M, Memories, Pining, Renly remembers more than anyone thinks, Siege of Storm's End
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 20:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3663324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AVirtoMusae/pseuds/AVirtoMusae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was with utter relief that Renly returned his gaze to the delight on Loras’s face. It was better than looking at the dominion of Mace Tyrell by far. Somehow, that just served to make him feel guilty. His squire trusted him, adored him, and it felt like a betrayal that he was scared to meet Loras’s family. What felt like more of a betrayal was how he wanted to kiss the grin on Loras’s face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear Brings Out the Best

Loras was very excited to be returning to Highgarden after so long, Renly knew. He glanced at his beloved squire and smiled. The butterflies -- possibly more a herd of Baratheon stags -- were definitely there. This, this trip Renly did not wish to do. Part of him indeed wondered why he had agreed to go to Highgarden, but, looking at his squire, he knew exactly why he was. Loras had wanted him to and had said that it would make him happy. And gods, Renly could deny Loras nothing.

If there were one thing Renly had feared since he had been informed that a Tyrell was to be his squire, it was that he were to have to go to Highgarden and look Mace Tyrell in the eyes -- Mace Tyrell, who had besieged Storm’s End when Renly was but five. Though he would admit it to no one, especially not Loras, he still had nightmares regarding the siege and Mace Tyrell.

Renly had not even told Loras or even Stannis or Robert, but he remembered the siege. How could he forget such fear that made him think that each day was the last and that the world was over? Such hunger that made it painful to move? Such hatred between men that it seemed kindness was but a utopian dream? Such loneliness that he felt he was the only soul left in the world? Renly swallowed as he tore his eyes from his beloved Loras’s face to see Highgarden looming on the horizon.

“Look!” Loras exclaimed, a grin plastered to his stunning face. It was with utter relief that Renly returned his gaze to the delight on Loras’s face. It was better than looking at the dominion of Mace Tyrell by far. Somehow, that just served to make him feel guilty. His squire trusted him, adored him, and it felt like a betrayal that he was scared to meet Loras’s family. What felt like more of a betrayal was how he wanted to kiss the grin on Loras’s face.

Renly then, jerked out of his thoughts with a not-so-very-gentle punch on his arm then realized that Loras had asked him something. “Hmm?”

“I asked if you were okay,” Loras grumbled. A frown had wheedled its way onto his face.

“No, I’m not because somebody punched me.” Rolling his eyes, he snapped, “I’m fine -- just lost in my thoughts.” He belatedly realized that the way he had said it sounded harsher than he had intended. Loras looked him up and down dubiously but said nothing as his scowl deepened. Renly sighed. He had not meant to spoil Loras’s mood. “You’re excited to be home then?”

Loras flat-out glared. As if on reflex, he retorted, “Storm’s End is my home now.” Renly raised his eyebrows before Loras added, “but I am excited to go back. Margaery and Garlan said to say that they were excited to finally meet you.”

“And you’re telling me this _now_?” Renly asked, mock-glaring at Loras, who merely shrugged. “I am looking forward to meeting them. Promise you’ll still have time to show me around once you’re reunited with your family?”

Obviously trying to look as insulted as possible, Loras snorted and scowled. “Was that even in question?”

Renly flushed. “Sorry.” He felt his heart flutter when Loras’s frown immediately returned to being a smile.

The rest of the journey passed quickly with Loras pointing out the sights to him with promises that they could explore it properly later. Renly was glad for the distraction, but all too soon, they had arrived at Highgarden. To his surprise (though why he was surprised was a mystery), six splendidly dressed figures were waiting for them.

The youngest female, whom Renly knew to be Margaery, ran over to hug Loras. Renly fought the urge to glare, but to his embarrassment (which he did his best to conceal), he caught Garlan and Willas casting him a knowing look.

As custom dictated, Renly walked towards Mace Tyrell and shook his hand. The Lord Paramount of the Reach’s hand was sweaty, and the man avoided Renly’s gaze. Renly was glad of that. At the very least, it meant he could look away from Mace Tyrell too. It was very much a relief to know that Mace Tyrell was as nervous as he was. The handshake, to the immense relief of both, was extremely short. Renly practically ran from Mace in order to greet the other members of Loras’s family.

❀

Somehow, dinner was proving to be more awkward even than the arrival. Because of his rank, Renly had been seated to the left of Mace Tyrell, and the pair had been steadfastly ignoring one another since then.

That wasn’t to say that dinner was entirely terrible. To Renly’s own left was seated Garlan, and next to Garlan, Margaery. While at first they were rather intimidating (mostly because of the high esteem in which Loras held them), they turned out to be rather fun and good company.

But even though it had proved easy to get along with most of Loras’s family, he did not know what he could possibly say to the man that had nearly killed him many times over when he had been naught but a child. He wished that Loras would stop looking over at him in concern because though he loved that face, it just made him feel impossibly guilty.

Renly nearly slumped forwards in his relief when dinner was finally over, and he was sure that the sentiment was shared by the Lord Paramount of the Reach. Renly was quick in heading back to his chambers. Now that he was here in Highgarden, Renly suspected that there would be no walks with Loras, or watching Loras spar, or playing games with Loras. Well, Renly suspected he would be seeing a lot less of the third son of Mace Tyrell. The idea made him feel a little queazy.

Somehow, when he arrived at his chambers, Loras was already waiting there for him. Renly found a smile tugging at his lips until he saw the scowl that was firmly planted on Loras’s face. He opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off. “What the hell do you call that?!” Loras demanded.

Renly frowned in part because he never liked Loras’s anger directed at him and in part because he had no idea what Loras was talking about. “What?”

“Dinner. You were ignoring my dad all through dinner,” Loras hissed, still glowering at his lord. Renly tried to smile sheepishly, but the gesture fell flat.

“Yes, well,” he began before pausing to think. He scratched the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. Want to talk about it on a walk?” This smile, more of a peace offering than anything else, did not fall so flat.

Loras contemplated the offer, and Renly waited for his decision with bated breath. “Fine,” Loras snapped. His voice was still bitter, but Renly could not help but breath a sigh of relief. “I’ll meet you in the gardens in ten minutes.” With a short nod, he scampered out of Renly’s chambers.

❀

No sooner had ten minutes passed when Renly, having waited for a few minutes already, was greeted with a sight that he had not been prepared for. Loras was leading his father down to join them. Renly blanched. It took all of his will power not to run away.

“Right,” Loras said as he and his father approached. Mace was wearing the same sour expression that he imagined that he himself was wearing. “I am sick of seeing the pair of you just ignoring each other. Can you try to talk out the problem? _Please_?” With a parting glare at both of them, Loras stalked off.

Renly and Mace looked at each other, and for a moment, it seemed like they were equally at a loss for words. Then, however, Renly managed to force words out of his throat. “I would never blame Loras for the siege. He was just a babe, and now he is my only friend.” Part of him was surprised at how honest his words were, but then, Loras asked it of him, so perhaps he should have expected it.

“But you blame me,” Mace said, his posture stiff. He nodded slowly. “You remember the siege.”

“Yes,” Renly admitted, looking at the ground. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I told Loras I didn’t because I didn’t want him to worry. But I remember it.” He sucked in a breath. Usually, he tried not to remember the siege, but it seemed that today he would have to remember it more than ever.

Mace Tyrell nodded again. “What do you remember?”

“Too much,” Renly said.

He could remember being five and hiding under the blankets to block everything out, to pretend that everything was okay. He could remember the gnawing sensation in his stomach that sometimes hurt so much that all he could do was curl up in a ball. He had wondered, at the time, why the people attacking wouldn’t spare them food when they so clearly needed it. His brother had treated him like a nuisance (he supposed he was) and always shooed him away when he looked for comfort. He had been stuck inside. He couldn’t even go onto the battlements or look out a window. The stench of dead bodies had sometimes been so much that it had made the eyes water. He had had a cat named Flori at the time. The cat had been his only solace and only comfort during the endless days and nights of the siege, but one day, when they had run out of horses and larger animals, Stannis had taken Flori and cut him up before telling him that Flori was all he would be eating for days. Renly could remember wailing and telling Stannis that he would rather starve, but the next day, the hunger had been too much, and Renly had eaten his only companion.

Renly swallowed before amending his previous statement. “Everything I saw I remember. Everything I felt.” He ran a hand through his messy, black hair.

Mace nodded. “That’s what war is.”

Renly nodded in reply. It wasn’t an apology, but he couldn’t claim to have been expecting one either. “You almost won. But please, answer me this: what would have happened to me had you won?” He looked at Mace Tyrell with wide eyes.

That had been a question that he had spent years wondering the answer to. He could almost imagine that he would have grown up a ward of House Tyrell. But that was not the only option. He was painfully aware of that. He knew what had happened to the two Targaryen children. He knew how brutally they had been slaughtered, and he knew that he could very well have been in that same position even though his family was on the other side of the war.

Mace Tyrell grimaced. “I don’t know. It would have depended on which of my bannermen found you.” He stared at Renly with that pug-face of his, and Renly could imagine that he saw a hint of guilt written there.

Slowly, Renly nodded. “I don’t know if I should forgive you or if you need to be forgiven, but can we put it aside for now and be cordial for Loras’s sake?” He stuck out his hand for Mace to shake.

The older man accepted it. “Yes.”

❀

Renly had returned straight to his chambers following that. He hadn’t tried to find Loras even though so much of his body wanted him to do just that. He had just put on his nightclothes on when he heard his door click open. “Loras?”

“Renly,” Loras said, and Renly could swear that he saw a hint of a smirk on his squire’s face. Loras strolled over to Renly and put his hands on Renly’s shoulders. Renly thought that his squire would be able to hear his erratic heartbeat. Renly could not keep his breath from hitching as Loras looked him up and down. “Thank you.”

Butterflies danced in his stomach as he heard those words and saw the look in Loras’s eyes. But Renly did not have another moment to contemplate it.

Right then, Loras leaned in and kissed him, and it was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Perhaps he did not realize it as Loras’s lips closed around his cock or when Loras was mewling as Renly fucked him, but he did not regret the siege, for the siege was the only reason he now had Loras the way he did. And this he would not miss for all the gods of the world combined.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you enjoyed. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Ta!
>
>>   
> A Virto Musae  
> By the Virtue of the Muse


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